Shakti perspectives: Anchale
From someone who could not talk taboo, Ive shed my skin and morphed into someone who will speak out. in the last year Ive ached more than once and found myself in the dark more than 100 times. I did not know mental abuse existed until I had to go through it myself, I got so used to the pain that If I did not feel the pain it felt wrong.
I started seeing patterns in my relationship and it was all about mind games, I would be blocked without an explanation and being someone who did not know the difference between giving up and walking out. I I kept reaching out, people who appreciated me for never giving up started using it as a tool to break me down OR rather I gave into such situations. I was being lied to, manipulated, and I thought it was okay. Every time I wanted to be understood it became a joke. This was my Monday to Sunday routine, when I realised what was happening I couldn't step out of it. When I finally did I found myself losing people around me. I lost people and developed bad habits, bad habits where I started palpitating at every loud noise, the uneasiness would not go away for hours even days.
I tried, I tried to look at five different things around me, feel four different surfaces and hear three different noises, it helped a bit with my anxiety. I kept reminding myself of how I was ten months before this happened. I did not know who I was I had a mental block from forming opinions. I was afraid I'd fall whenever I had an opinion on something, I still find it hard to trust myself more than others around me. This haunts me, i doubt every step I take and every person I talk to. For someone who did not believe in mental abuse the reality hit hard. REAL hard when facing the consequences. I cannot take appreciation or criticism because I let myself become validated and started seeing myself through the eyes of others all the time, and now it becomes impossible to take on opinions.
I get constant nightmares I wake up at least five times during my night sweating. I choke on this topic for reasons unknown to me, but on the other hand Im working on progress. I've realised what matters in life is moving forward, in our own way. What matters is you fought, you tried, you bled you cried, you crawled, you stood up, you ran and you flew. I do not want to choke on this topic anymore, so I beg you to please come out of your shell, I beg you to recycle all your toxicities, and learn from them for the better. I beg you to talk your story out, you are your own magic just like how I am my own magic. I need you to fight back for yourself.
Love Anchale xx