Devian: Shakti perspectives
I don’t think what I am going through stems from one specific event in my life. its a build up of different moments between lost opportunities with work or uni, missing out on friendships or relationships because the wrong thing was said or an unintended action was taken at the time.
For me it also came from disappointing the closest people around me, more so my family. Each mistake, each step in the wrong direction for me, it built up and it built up some more until there was a point in my life probably 4 years ago where I woke up and just took stock on what my life had amassed to and when I reflected on that moment, I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t motivated, i wasn’t seeking help nor wanted it because I kept telling myself “something will change, something will come up and ill have something to live for” the worst feeling was the lack of belief in myself. That did not end up happening and as a result I would sleep in a lot because I honestly had no reason to wake up the next morning, I would lose motivation because I would tell myself "Im already at an all time low any other decision I make will just lead to sinking further".
I would cut of social interactions with many people because I felt my presence wouldn't benefit anyone. My mum noticed this lack of motivation and was angry at the time she would ask "what is wrong with yourself?, your educated, experienced work, have a roof over your head, food to eat, why have you become the worst version of yourself?". Bless my parents, they have provided me with all the essentials in life, just the issue wasn't something they could rationally approach at the time. I couldn't answer them, this was the first time I knew I had to seek support. I saw a professional and after a lengthy conversation I was informed that I was suffering from 'persistent depressive disorder' or dysthymia. Having heard a diagnosis from a professional psychologist really hit me hard and it was then when I just felt the absolute lowest 24/7. It was almost like feeling sad all the time and the only way I could get out of it is when I went seeking temporary moment of euphoria whether it be through alcohol, other substances or smoking. I use to really pride myself to be such an extrovert but it came to a point where I couldn't even connect with other people unless I was under the influence of something.
So much so that it distracted me from the anguish or pain of what was deeply rooted in me. That diagnosis was in 2016, my advice to the audience is take accountability of your actions, and realizing that you are in charge of your own decisions, the second step is believing in yourself again. I did not get over everything overnight and there are demons that still haunt me but you can support yourself by doing little things; getting out of bed a decent time, dress comfortably, feed yourself, find an outlet (for me its basketball and music). Its a long journey BUT as long as you do these small things every day you find your happiness in small moments. The repetition of it builds up and slowly you will find that helping yourself genuinely makes those around you feel better, you feel the lowest when no action is taken but knowing you can do something about it.